Later this year, my spouse and I will have known each other twenty years and three months after that, we will have been married for twenty years. Yes, it was a whirlwind romance and no, it was not because I had a bun in the oven.
My spouse, W., occasionally expresses amazement that I have stayed around. He suspects I harbor bitterness toward him, and he sometimes tries to catch me in the act of expressing it or feeling it. The last time he probed me was last night as I watched another rousing syndicated episode of Sex and the City. I had just watched in disbelief as Carrie turned away from an open casket viewing of a young man Miranda met but never quite dated, claiming primly that she'd never seen a dead person. Come on! Really? I just don't keep my disbelief suspended during moments like that.
Just then, W. asked me how I liked watching the show and I replied that it is like watching a train wreck. The women seem outrageously distanced from basic human experiences or sheltered or clueless or something or all. It's fascinating.
My spouse then asked me, "Do you ever resent me for keeping you from an exciting life in New York, like in the show?"
I turned to stare at him, "Are you serious?"
He really wanted to know, saying perhaps I would have wound up in NYC if we had not met, maybe having the adventures like the ones depicted in the show. Clearly, he has never actually watched the show, but I said without pause, "First, I'm not neurotic and second, I've never been single and in my thirties. Why would I want to be single and thirty in New York?"
I realized today that I will never have been single and thirty-something. What a relief!Time will only tell if the same will be true of my forties, but so far so good.
One thing that has led to our success as a couple is that we change enough to keep each other's interest, but not enough to be too scary. In some cases, all that needs to change is our perceptions of each other.
Recently, W., who hates coffee, has taken up an interest in Starbucks. He doesn't so much like the coffee, he like the wireless hot spots. While he's there, he happens to buy a cafe mocha and puts about five saccharin packets in it till it tastes so vile I could never drink it.
It just dawned on me that he cannot stand bitter foods. Maybe he is a supertaster, someone with extra taste buds, someone especially sensitive to bitter tastes. I eat just about anything. I don't mind strong black coffee, one of the most bitter foods imaginable. I want to buy bitters for making the occasional mixed drink. I don't mind endive or broccoli, or foods with plenty of alkaloids. I buy bittersweet chocolate. No problem.
W., on the other hand, avoids such foods. It these sorts of revelations that keep things interesting. They snowball. I realized W.'s preference for sweetness and avoidance of bitterness carries over into our relationship.
He has accused me on occasion of not being very romantic. It is true that my tolerance for treacly foods and treacly relationships is not high. On the other hand, my "pleasing astringency" stretches his norm for what he finds pleasant, especially where reactions to movies are concerned. He allows me my bitterness and I allow him his rosy disposition, especially that a.m. energy thing he has.
Every year at our anniversary, we used to go out for dinner and "sign up" for for double the number of years we just completed. When we got to about year seven, we stopped that and discussed just signing up for another year. Maybe this year, because it is such a special accomplishment to be married 20 years, to honor the occasion, we will sign up for another 20 years.
If I propose this, it may seem too sweet and romantic, though, not astringent at all.
